Costume Contest

"Good evening, and welcome to the fifth annual Convoluted Convention Costume Contest. I'm your host, Bob Foraples."

"I'm Jim Membaship. And let's talk about some of these crazy getups we've got in the house tonight."

"Well, we've got a wide variety of costumes this year, don't we Jim?"

"We sure do, Bob, and it's clear that this year's contestants have gone all out in trying to earn points with the judges."

"Up first, we have a...is that a librarian?"

"It must be, she's got the glasses on a chain around her neck, and pushing a cart full of books in front of her. Truly some dedication being shown by this one."

"And the judges are giving the scores now, Jim. First, from the outfit judge, we have a 7."

"Now from the character judge...it's a 7 as well!"

"And finally, from the creativity judge. It's a...oh dear, not too much from this one, it's a 4.5. That's a total of 18.5."

"A little disappointing, to be sure, Bob. She'll have to pay an overdue fine on that idea!"

"Right you are, Jim. Let's take a closer look at the judges while our next contestant is getting set up. Now, the outfit judge, Mr. Snifter, is giving points based on well the costume itself is put together."

"Have to put you on hold there, Bob, our next contestant is coming out, and what a sight she is!"

"Oh my, Jim, it looks like this one couldn't make up her mind, doesn't it?"

"That's right, Bob. It looks like I'm seeing a firefighter's helmet and hose, a police officer's uniform and badge, and a doctor's white lab coat and stethoscope."

"Talk about a trifecta of civil service, Jim. Now the marks from the judges. Mr. Snifter gives her an 8.5."

"Our character judge gives her a...ooh, just a 5."

"I guess it's hard to get into character when you're trying to be three at once."

"Right you are. A good mark from creativity, though, a 9. That gives her a total of 22.5."

"Now, those are three very common costumes, aren't they, Jim?"

"That's right Bob, but the creativity points go in when you put some things like that together."

"Now a view onto our character judge. Ms. Franka gives points based on how well the contestant gets into the character their costume is portraying."

"Our next contestant is coming out now, Bob, and it seems she's sleuthing for good marks from the judges."

"I see what you did there, Jim, and I want you to stop it right now."

"Puns are my world, Bob, you know that."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Haha, you got me there! And the judges are really liking this one. Mr. Snifty gives her a 9, and there's a 9 from Ms. Franka as well!"

"But it seems there's a bit of a downfall on creativity, as she gets a 3 there. Bad luck then, with a total of 21 even."

"Speaking of creativity, let's take a look at that judge."

"If you insist, Jim. Our creativity judge is Ms. Grant. She doles out points based on exactly what you'd expect: how original the costume is."

"Yes, I think our most memorable ones from last year were the fireman who was actually ablaze, and the combination mechanical engineer, pole dancer, serial killer, and pastry chef."

"I do believe the fireman set the record for highest score as well, with a 31.5, if I'm not mistaken."

"Yes indeed, Bob, and certainly more exciting than the stream of astronauts and musicians we had the year before that. The last musician that year was riding a horse while playing a violin, painting with one foot, and writing a book with the bow all at the same time."

"A true talent, that one. Do you think she'll pick just one to focus on, Jim?"

"Unlikely, Bob. What's that?"

"Oh, I think they said we missed the last several contestants. An exotic dancer with her own radio DJ, two marine biologists, and an OB/GYN that brought an actual woman giving birth across the stage. She had to redesign her whole interior to do that!"

"That surely must have been a sight to behold, Bob."

"Yes, Jim, I believe the National Geographic photographer that came right after him got the whole thing on film."

"What's this now?"

"It appears to be a man dressed as an angel and painted blue, Jim."

"Oh, he's a Blue Angel, Bob! Very clever indeed."

"Let's see what the judges have to say. Oh yes, a perfect score across the board! 10, 10, and 10! Well done, indeed!"

"That bus driver looks pretty disappointed, though. Oh, no, the stewardess seems to be consoling him nonverbally."

"Interesting, I would have thought she would get a ride from the railroad engineer."

"Now, he's taking the animator back to Pixar."

"The pilot isn't flying her there?"

"No, the meteorologist told him the weather would make it too turbulent."

"And if the psychologist wasn't so busy diagnosing the man who thinks he's a paladin of Voltron, he might have time to make a move on the Ghostbuster he was eyeing earlier."

"And she's going crazy over the pop star and the Rockette. I bet she wishes that she could kick that high."

"I think she wanted to kick that politician in the face, to be honest, Jim."

"I think we'd all like to swat a politician in the face, Bob."

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This one got a bit rough near the end, though I liked the premise at the beginning. The problem came with trying to fit everyone in.

Lesson learned: don't try to please everyone. Still, thanks to Susan Reifert, Heather Petty, Karen Weems, Jim Skaleski, Fay Thompson, Elizabeth Freeman, Ashley Crowder, Adam Haggerty, Heather Fontenot, Thomas Snooks, Cyndi Prachar, Cameron Holland, Justin Brown, Jennifer Hatton, Ty Reagan, Annie Taylor, Chuck Naffier, Natalie Steele, Laura Egmon, Theodore Mills, Dale Olney, Kerry Burkhart, Stephanie Doo, Rebecca Coneby, Morgan Elliott, Bonnie Rosensteel, James Boski, Joshua Garza, Jennifer Schwausch, Sarah Jane Hargis, Chris Koenig, Jesse Cromwell, Alexander Cook, Yezre'el Askew, David Deluca, and Ray Lucero. Thank you all for the challenge and the opportunity to get to know each of you a little better. As for me, I wanted to be a paleontologist.

For next week, what fictional place would you most like to visit? Post your answer in the comments below, and as always, don't forget to subscribe!