Essays

“Okay, my little gremlins,” said Ms. Adamson. “It’s time for you to present your Christmas vacation papers. Adam, you’re first.”

Adam let out the breath he had been holding. He hated having a name early in the alphabet, and Ms. Adamson always called on him first.

“Are you ready, Adam?” asked his teacher. “There’s no point waiting around for a white Christmas. We live in Texas, after all.”

The other students laughed. Adam managed a weak smile and stood up, clutching his paper tightly in his hands.

Reaching the front of the classroom, he did his best to uncrumple the paper. He scanned it quickly, cursing himself silently at his misspelling of Santa Claus as Santa Clause.

He cleared his throat. “My uncle is coming to spend the holidays with our family so he doesn’t have to be at home alone. He had a part-time job as the mall Santa Claus. They fired him because he was trying to kiss kiss bang bang with the lady playing his elf.”

“Now, Adam,” said Ms. Adamson. “That’s not really appropriate for school.”

The other students, however, seemed to be enjoying this Christmas story, and Adam was on a roll.

“The lady that got him fired threatened to kick him in his family stone if he came near her again,” he said to wails of mirth from the class. “They had to bring in a couple of the mall cops to ref the situation. My uncle kept saying, ‘I love, actually love you! We could have a wonderful life together!’ She said would rather die. Hard to blame her really.”

“All right,” said Ms. Adamson over the tumult that had overtaken her classroom. “That’s enough!”

“But Ms. Adamson, I’m not done!” Adam turned to the class, who were now hooked on his every word. “The thing my uncle actually said to get fired was ‘Let Santa work some of his hocus pocus to create a fifth element in his pants...the element of wood!’”

His classmates were beside themselves. Mrs. Adamson, throwing her hands up in surrender, went to her desk to write a referral. Adam knew it was coming, so he continued to stand there, basking in the glow. When she handed it to him, he pranced out the door to the applause of his classmates, solidifying his status as a legend.

“We’re waiting,” said Ms. Adamson.

Adam blinked. He was standing at the front of the classroom with everyone staring at him. He hadn’t read a word yet.

He blanched. “Oh crud.”

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So how did you do? Did you find all of the Christmas movies?

Special thanks to (take a deep breath) Terry Booth Fields, Justin Hudson, Carol Rodden, Elizabeth Hunter Freeman, Jamica Ray, Celia Hall-Castro, Alicia Ballew, Morgan Elliott, Laura Egmon, Michael Wygant, Aaron Mulder, Robert Perkins, Renee Beasley, Leslie Ward Campbell, Stephanie Doo, Brenda Sansig Salas, Ryan Reichenbach, Denise Ebersole, Tom Conner, Cyndi Prachar, Frank J. Kim, and Kimberly Conner (whew!) for their input!

For next week, send me one word that makes you think of the holidays.