Phobia

The things that scare us can be ecstatically beautiful. Some of us are drawn to it, like roaches to their little motel. The fear is there for a reason though. Self-preservation is an incredibly strong, sometimes overwhelming force, and those that have severe phobias can be turned to blubbering messes when we get too close, or when what we fear gets too close to us.

Take me, for example. When I was about eight years old, I was at a church camp for a week. In the middle though, my mom had to come pick me up for a doctor’s appointment. Before she arrived, my cabinmates and I were sitting inside during a particularly vicious thunderstorm. I was sitting on my bunk near a window.

I saw a spark. Maybe. I thought I did. Maybe I just heard it or felt it. It was like touching a doorknob after dragging my sock-clad feet over carpet. Except it was bigger and louder than that. Even so, it didn’t prepare me for what came next.

A blinding flash of red just outside the window. A deafening boom around us, and we screamed. We all huddled together in the middle of the room. None of us spoke. Our bodies were quivering, chests heaving. At some point we heard the rain again, and eventually the spots disappeared from our vision. I had never been so happy to see my mother when she pulled up, so glad that she was safe.

I love watching thunderstorms from a distance. Lights dancing through the clouds, sparks stretching from the ground to the heavens. An almost peaceful rumbling, as though something deep within the earth is snoring. I could watch that forever, miles and miles away.

But storms are never stationary. They move, blown about by the wind, and moves towards you as often as away. And when a storm like the one when I was eight comes along, or the bolt of lightning blocked the road home three years ago, or the two powerful sparks that warned of the incoming wrath of God early this morning…the fear grips you, and that self-preservation rears its head.

Listen to your fears. They lead to wonderful things. They make you appreciate the loving embrace of your mother. They drive you to where you are meant to be. And let you know that you are not alone.